1. On the Best Advice

Oh, a little bit of bleach is good for you,

And so is lying on a sunny beach,

If you’re ravaged by the flu

And you don’t know what to do

There is nothing like a little bit of bleach.


On those days when blooming health seems out of reach

When your body’s racked with pain

You will soon feel right as rain,

And be in the pink again

If you’ll just inject a little bit of bleach.


So attend to what the learned doctors teach:

When you’re feeling not quite right,

And you hope to ease your plight,

Bathe yourself in UV light

And always take a little bit of bleach.


  1. Ode to a Miracle Drug

Sweet hydroxychloroquine!

Wondrous substance! Drug divine!

Of thy virtues for the lung

Mighty men have often sung.

Tho’ no studies, double blind,

Blaze thy splendors to mankind,

I will all thy powers prove.

Live with me, and be my love!

That my airways may breathe free

Shed thy healing balm on me.

All thy blessings shall be mine,

Sweet hydroxychloroquine!


  1. Summer’s Promise

The warm caresses of the summer sun,

When the humidity climbs very high,

Announce that now disease’s course is run,

Viruses all must melt away and die.

Acclaim the miracle of nature’s round!

Rejoice to feel the sunshine on your face!

Thrill, as the baseball stadiums resound

With cheers of thousands, gathered in one place!

Once more we mingle in the bustling street.

After the months of solitude, what bliss!

No longer fear companions to meet,

To shake a hand, or even steal a kiss.

Summer will bring us full felicity.

As I proclaim it, must it surely be.


  1. Sympathy, Please

They said my numbers would begin to soar,

But daily briefings have become a chore.

            And they told me just today

            I should simply stay away.

Oh, I don’t know what I’m doing any more.


I’ve offered up initiatives galore

For nasty-minded scribblers to deplore.

            Fake news is full of lies

            All they do is criticize.

I’m just not gonna take it any more.


My ratings are descending through the floor

Re-election’s looking dodgier than before.

            If this crisis would just end

            There’d be no need to pretend

Or to play at being doctor any more.


Life as President turns out to be a bore.

Who knows what the epidemic has in store?!

            Should I just admit defeat?

            Should I stay at home and tweet?

Oh, I don’t know what I’m doing any more.